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Inappropriate Joke of the Day
- Thread starter HughJoergan
- Start date
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Seanpcola
Moderator
A young guy from West Vriginia moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says
"Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give
him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you
did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns
and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!?
Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your
employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here
in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia,
but you're not in the mines anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the
boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked
(semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold
him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where
he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was
going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold
him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda
Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department
and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy
tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you
might as well go fishing..
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says
"Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give
him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you
did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns
and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!?
Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your
employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here
in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia,
but you're not in the mines anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the
boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked
(semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold
him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where
he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was
going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold
him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda
Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department
and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy
tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you
might as well go fishing..
gunnerxxx
Marksman
A guy buys a genie lamp in a antique store
when he gets home he starts to polish the lamp and suddenly a genie appears
I will give you one wish only one bellows the genie
The guy thinks for a moment and says i wish my dick touched the ground
Granted says the genie "poof"
The guys legs fell off!
when he gets home he starts to polish the lamp and suddenly a genie appears
I will give you one wish only one bellows the genie
The guy thinks for a moment and says i wish my dick touched the ground
Granted says the genie "poof"
The guys legs fell off!
Scrooge
Marksman
Sex with white women
Two black guys are at a bar talking. One says to the other, "You ever
notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your
nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"
The second Black guy says, "Yeah, all the time."
The other says, "Why is that?"
The second says, "I think it must be the pepper spray."
Two black guys are at a bar talking. One says to the other, "You ever
notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your
nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"
The second Black guy says, "Yeah, all the time."
The other says, "Why is that?"
The second says, "I think it must be the pepper spray."
Scrooge
Marksman
Good one!
Scrooge
Marksman
Groaner alert....
Papa mole, a Mama mole, and a Baby mole,
All live together in a little mole hole.
One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
'Yummy! I smell maple syrup!'
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole,
Sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yummy! I smell honey!'
Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. This makes him whine, 'Geez, all I can smell is...
MOL ASSES !
Papa mole, a Mama mole, and a Baby mole,
All live together in a little mole hole.
One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
'Yummy! I smell maple syrup!'
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole,
Sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yummy! I smell honey!'
Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. This makes him whine, 'Geez, all I can smell is...
MOL ASSES !
Seanpcola
Moderator
OK, for this one the older guys will get it, the young’uns will need an explanation. Ahem…JohnAL. .
A woman strolls in to an adult toy store. She peruses the offerings and asks the guy at the counter “How much for that white 6” dildo in the display case?”.
“Ma’am, that one is a clearance item. I can let you have it for $25.00”.
She pays, he wraps it up, and as she turns to leave she sees a 12” black model on a shelf.
“Excuse me, how much for that one?”
“Ma’am, that’s one of our best sellers. It’s $75.00”.
After a minutes thought she decides to buy it too so carries it to the counter. He wraps it up, she pays and heads towards the door.
As she’s leaving she sees, tucked out of the way near the clearance table a huge plaid version with a chrome head.
All she can think is how enormous that one is so she heads back to the cashier and asks the price.
“Well ma’am, that is a really hard to get model. I’d have to get $125.00 for it”.
A lot of money but after thinking it over she pulls out her credit card and buys it.
A little later the store owner walks in to check on things.
“Well Bill, had any customers today?”
“Yeah boss. A lady just left and dropped over two hundred bucks on toys”.
“Wow!. What did she buy?”
“She bought that 6” white model for $25.00”
“Not bad!”
“Even better I got her for $75.00 on that black 12 incher”
“Excellent! Serious profit margin on that one!”
“You’re really gonna love this! I sold your coffee thermos for $125.00”………………..
A woman strolls in to an adult toy store. She peruses the offerings and asks the guy at the counter “How much for that white 6” dildo in the display case?”.
“Ma’am, that one is a clearance item. I can let you have it for $25.00”.
She pays, he wraps it up, and as she turns to leave she sees a 12” black model on a shelf.
“Excuse me, how much for that one?”
“Ma’am, that’s one of our best sellers. It’s $75.00”.
After a minutes thought she decides to buy it too so carries it to the counter. He wraps it up, she pays and heads towards the door.
As she’s leaving she sees, tucked out of the way near the clearance table a huge plaid version with a chrome head.
All she can think is how enormous that one is so she heads back to the cashier and asks the price.
“Well ma’am, that is a really hard to get model. I’d have to get $125.00 for it”.
A lot of money but after thinking it over she pulls out her credit card and buys it.
A little later the store owner walks in to check on things.
“Well Bill, had any customers today?”
“Yeah boss. A lady just left and dropped over two hundred bucks on toys”.
“Wow!. What did she buy?”
“She bought that 6” white model for $25.00”
“Not bad!”
“Even better I got her for $75.00 on that black 12 incher”
“Excellent! Serious profit margin on that one!”
“You’re really gonna love this! I sold your coffee thermos for $125.00”………………..
shootnstarz
Master
An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes
upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk proceeds into the
water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
...
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and
asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little
longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus,
me brother?"
The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again --
but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins
kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found
Jesus?"
(get ready for this.....)
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher,***
"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?
Rick
upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk proceeds into the
water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
...
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and
asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little
longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus,
me brother?"
The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again --
but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins
kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found
Jesus?"
(get ready for this.....)
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher,***
"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?
Rick
shootnstarz
Master
Two Air force pilots were arriving at an airfield they had never been to before. About a mile out the pilot looked out the windshield and said "man, that's a short runway, better give me 1/3 brakes. 1/3 flaps". Copilot replied "1/3 brakes. 1/3 flaps".
Closer, about a half mile out the pilot looked up from his instruments again and said "man, that's a short runway, better give me 2/3 brakes, 2/3 flaps. Copilot responded, "2/3 brakes, 2/3 flaps".
At 1/4 mile out the pilot once again looked out the front and said with even more concern "man, that's a short runway, better give me full brakes, full flaps". Copilot as commanded "full brakes, full flaps".
So as the aircraft touched down both pilots were doing all they could to get the plane slowed in time and succeeded in stopping just at the very edge of the runway pavement.
In a sigh of relief the pilot wiping his sweaty forehead said, "man, that is one short runway" !!!!
The copilot, shading his eyes with his hand and looking right and left out the side windows said "yea, but is sure is wide".
PS: Why do Air Force pilots talk with one hand in their pocket?
So they don't shoot the other one down
Rick
Closer, about a half mile out the pilot looked up from his instruments again and said "man, that's a short runway, better give me 2/3 brakes, 2/3 flaps. Copilot responded, "2/3 brakes, 2/3 flaps".
At 1/4 mile out the pilot once again looked out the front and said with even more concern "man, that's a short runway, better give me full brakes, full flaps". Copilot as commanded "full brakes, full flaps".
So as the aircraft touched down both pilots were doing all they could to get the plane slowed in time and succeeded in stopping just at the very edge of the runway pavement.
In a sigh of relief the pilot wiping his sweaty forehead said, "man, that is one short runway" !!!!
The copilot, shading his eyes with his hand and looking right and left out the side windows said "yea, but is sure is wide".
PS: Why do Air Force pilots talk with one hand in their pocket?
So they don't shoot the other one down
Rick
Last edited:
Seanpcola
Moderator
27 yo here, I was able to appreciate your joke Sean
Great! I just figured you younger guys wouldn't have any experience with those plaid Alladin thermoses with the chrome top we all used back in the 60's and 70's.
Seanpcola
Moderator
The Local hospital gets a new administrator, so the medical chief of staff takes him on a tour of the place. They're walking down a corridor, the new admin looks in the room and sees a male patient watching a porn video and jacking off. He raises a fuss; "We can't have that activity in a hospital!" The med chief calms him and says, "Actually, we're in our holistic wing. That man has a severe prostate problem, and we've found that frequent ejaculations are quite effective in shrinking the prostate. Because there's no medication or surgery involved, the HMOs are quite happy to pay for an overnight stay so he can get his condition under control. We'll observe him and probably send him home in the morning."
The admin figures that makes sense, and they continue the tour. Several minutes later they pass a room where a male patient is getting oral sex from a nurse. The admin stops short. "Now just wait a minute, THAT is not to be allowed in any hospital!" The medical chief pulls him aside. "it's actually part of our holistic program." The administrator is still shocked. "That?!" The medical chief nods. "Yes. You remember the fellow watching porn and masturbating?" The new admin nods. "Well," the doctor says, "same condition, better insurance."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Know how to make a woman scream during sex?
Finish first, get up and wipe your Johnson off on her drapes.
The admin figures that makes sense, and they continue the tour. Several minutes later they pass a room where a male patient is getting oral sex from a nurse. The admin stops short. "Now just wait a minute, THAT is not to be allowed in any hospital!" The medical chief pulls him aside. "it's actually part of our holistic program." The administrator is still shocked. "That?!" The medical chief nods. "Yes. You remember the fellow watching porn and masturbating?" The new admin nods. "Well," the doctor says, "same condition, better insurance."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Know how to make a woman scream during sex?
Finish first, get up and wipe your Johnson off on her drapes.
Seanpcola
Moderator
Well, I tried Progressive but they wanted to give me that ugly chick Flo for the BJ therapy. Cancelled my policy.
Seanpcola
Moderator
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Oh no, definitely not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -- he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank, I just married his friggin' widow."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters ‘C Z W I N O S T A C Z’ on the bottom row. ‘'Can you read this?" the optician asked.
‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied - ‘I know the sorry bastard!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. "Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?"
"Yep," the farmer answers. "Were there any survivors?" ... "Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."
"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff screams!
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor."He kept a-saying he wasn't dead, but you know what a liar the sumbitch is."
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Oh no, definitely not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -- he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank, I just married his friggin' widow."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters ‘C Z W I N O S T A C Z’ on the bottom row. ‘'Can you read this?" the optician asked.
‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied - ‘I know the sorry bastard!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. "Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?"
"Yep," the farmer answers. "Were there any survivors?" ... "Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."
"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff screams!
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor."He kept a-saying he wasn't dead, but you know what a liar the sumbitch is."
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