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Inappropriate Joke of the Day

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  • HughJoergan

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    Say Hugh Joergan out loud in a public place.

    And remember the E is silent......





    What did one rubber say to the other rubber as they walked by the gay bar?

    Hey, let's go get shit faced.......
     
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    CCHGN

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    Man, I can't believe folks here didn't make prank phone calls as a kid or at least watch Bart Simpson: call a bar and ask for Jack Mehoff or Ollie Tabooger or Hugh Jass or Amanda Huggerkiss, etc
     

    Seanpcola

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    Ye Cana Fool a Scottish Caddy!

    During his golfing vacation at Martha's Vineyard - President Obama
    had been slicing off the tee on every hole.

    He asks his Scottish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for
    his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies:

    "Aye, there's a piece of shyt on the end of yer driver. "
    The President picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which
    point the caddy says:

    "No, the other end."
     

    Bean Counter

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    Not sure if these are too inappropriate. But hell let's see.

    Guy goes to a farm to buy some animals. Tells the farmer he wants a chicken - farmer responds and says sure you can buy one but we call it a pullet. Mans says he wants a rooster and the farmer corrects him and says thats a cock. Man wants a donkey as well and the farmer says sure but we call that an ass. Guy starts walking home with the animals and the donkey stops and won't move. A lady pulls over to the side of the road and ask if he needs help. He responds with YES could you please hold my cock and pullet while I slap my ass.

    Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

    My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

    I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as the missus likes to call it.

    We were both suffering from depression for a while, so me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on!”

    I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

    The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

    My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
    "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?!"

    A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
    "No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."

    A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
    “That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

    I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

    One afternoon two good ol' boys over in a West Virginia trailer park were sittin' around talkin' over a cold beer after gettin' off work at the local chicken plant. After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?" The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his haid, and squinted his eyes thinkin' real hard about the question. Finally, he says,"Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."

    What does a girl from West virginia say after she looses her virginity ?
    get off me daddy , you're crushing my cigarettes'

    And for the master of the inappropriate joke. The late great George Carlin:
    A dad and his son were chillin on the porch. Dad asked the son "Hey son, do you have any questions for me?" The son asked "Yeah dad, what's that hairy spot on mommy?" Dad answered, "That's mommy's vulva." The son then asked "Then what's a kunt?" The dad answered, "That's the rest of mommy."
     
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    Bean Counter

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    The Man test:

    In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
    A. Lovemaking.
    B. Screwing.
    C. Taking the dickskin rocket to tuna town.

    2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
    A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
    B. Your blood test results.
    C. Five tequila slammers.

    3. You time your orgasm so that:
    A. Your partner climaxes first.
    B. You both climax simultaneously
    C. You don't miss NASCAR races.

    4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
    A. Healthy, creative love-play.
    B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
    C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

    5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
    A. The best part of the experience.
    B. The second best part of the experience.
    C. $100 extra.

    6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
    A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
    B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
    C. A conservative estimate.

    7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
    A. A myth.
    B. An oxymoron.
    C. A moron.

    8. Foreplay is to sex as:
    A. An appetizer is to entree.
    B. Primer is to paint.
    C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

    9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
    A. "I hope we can still be friends."
    B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.."
    C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

    10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
    A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
    B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
    C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place..

    Evaluating Results:

    -If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
    -If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.
    -If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"
     

    Seanpcola

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    The CIA places an ad in the trades looking to hire a new assassin. After a lengthy search and rigorous testing they narrow the field to three applicants, two men and a woman.

    All three are gathered in a room and the examiner announces the scenario for the final, determining test:

    "We have called in your spouses and placed each of them in a room next door. To proves your loyalty, devotion and willingness to follow orders without question you will be given a gun. You are to walk into the room and shoot to kill your spouse without hesitation".

    He then steps to the first applicant, hands him the pistol and points to the door.

    The candidate walks in, closes the door and stares at his wife a moment. He then storms out and tells the prospective employer that he's crazy and should be locked up.

    The gun is handed to the second applicant. Same scenario but this one comes out of the room, tears running down his face and blubbers about how much he loves his wife.

    Finally, the gun is handed to the woman. She strides into the holding room and closes the door behind her. A few seconds later the sound of rapid firing is heard and the whole magazine is emptied. Then silence for a moment. The examiners stare at each other wondering what's going on when suddenly the sounds of screaming, mayhem and things breaking begin, then all is silent. The door opens and out comes the woman, scraped up sweaty and exhausted.

    "What happened in there?" asks the examiner.

    After catching her breath the woman replies "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks so I had to beat that asshole to death with a chair".
     

    Seanpcola

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    A man with a fetish for very large women walked into a brothel. "Good evening," the madam greeted. "What can I get you?"

    The man answered, "I really like large women and I want a big one."

    The madam showed him a big woman, but he shook his head and asked, "Do you have anyone bigger?"

    The madam showed him another, even bigger woman. "Better," he said, "But I want someone bigger. Matter of fact, I want the biggest woman you have!"

    The madam brought him to the biggest woman who worked in the brothel. She was enormous. "Perfect!" he said.

    The woman brought him to her room and soon the two of them were going at it with him on the top.

    After a few minutes, he suddenly stopped and said to the woman, "Sorry, do you mind if I turn off the light?"

    "It's me, isn't it?" she replied. "You don't find me attractive because I'm so big and fat, right?"

    "No, no," he said. "That's not it. I think you're beautiful. It's just that the light bulb is burning my ass!"

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    God was just about done creating the Universe, but He had two extra things left in His bag of creations, so He decided to give one to Adam and one to Eve. He called them over.

    "I have a couple of things here left in My bag for the two of you," God said. "This is one of them. It's the ability to pee standing up. It's a very handy thing. I was wondering if either of you wanted this ability."

    Before God had a chance to explain any further, Adam jumped up and blurted out in childish glee, "Oh, can I have that one? Please? I'd love to be able to do that! It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden, I could just stand there and let it fly! It would be so cool! I could write my name in the sand! Oh, please! Please! Can I have that one? Please?"

    Eve just smiled and said to God, "If Adam really wants that one, he should have it. It seems to be the sort of thing that will make him happy. Give him that ability. I don't mind."

    "Very well," God said. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

    "OK, let's see," God said, looking into His bag of gifts. "What do I have left? Ah, yes. Here it is. Multiple orgasms..."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A young journalist had gone to work for the local newspaper. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state.

    Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmer's house and decided this would be a good place to start.

    He introduced himself to the back country farmer. "I'm doing a human interest story and I'd like to interview you," the young journalist said.

    "Sure thing," the farmer replied.

    "Okay," the reporter began. "Tell me about an event in your life that made you very happy."

    The farmer replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it, we took it back to the farmer that lost it!”

    “I can’t print that!” said the reporter, “Can you think of another event that made you happy?”

    The farmer thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. She was 18 and she was willing. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy.”

    "I can't print that either!" the journalist said. "Let's try something different. Tell me about a time in your life that made you really sad."

    The farmer hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once...”

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    ne night as a couple was getting into bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm.

    The wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

    The husband grumbled and turned over to sleep.

    A few minutes later, he rolled back over, tapped his wife again and whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
     

    Scrooge

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    The Man test:

    In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
    A. Lovemaking.
    B. Screwing.
    C. Taking the dickskin rocket to tuna town.

    2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
    A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
    B. Your blood test results.
    C. Five tequila slammers.

    3. You time your orgasm so that:
    A. Your partner climaxes first.
    B. You both climax simultaneously
    C. You don't miss NASCAR races.

    4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
    A. Healthy, creative love-play.
    B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
    C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

    5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
    A. The best part of the experience.
    B. The second best part of the experience.
    C. $100 extra.

    6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
    A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
    B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
    C. A conservative estimate.

    7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
    A. A myth.
    B. An oxymoron.
    C. A moron.

    8. Foreplay is to sex as:
    A. An appetizer is to entree.
    B. Primer is to paint.
    C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

    9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
    A. "I hope we can still be friends."
    B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.."
    C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

    10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
    A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
    B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
    C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place..

    Evaluating Results:

    -If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
    -If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.
    -If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"

    LOL! Thanks Bean; I scored a perfect 100%....
     

    Bean Counter

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    One last set for tonight







    I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

    I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

    A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually '

    I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you’re still black'

    Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance,' with a face like that!

    A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'

    Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!


    Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.


    I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself...'I’m going to take that.'


    Man in a hot air balloon is lost over North Dakota. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. ‘You’re in that basket.’


    I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer..., how did I know they wanted the name of a country?
     
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