Inappropriate Joke of the Day

[DSPLCD1]

Conversation About Beer:

Lady: Do you drink Beer?

Me: Yes

Lady: How many beers a day?

Me: Usually about 3

Lady: How much do you pay per beer?

Me: $5 with a tip

Lady: And how long have you been Drinking?

Me: 20 years, I suppose

Lady: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be $5400 correct?

Me: Around there

Lady: If in one year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Me: Around there.

Lady: Do you know if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up intrest savings account and after accounting for compound intrest for the past
20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Me: Do you drink Beer?

Lady: No

Me: Where's your Fucking Ferrari?

 

[JohnAL]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!”

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, “Give the ballerina another drink!”

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, “Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?”

The drunk replied, “Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”

 

[wildrider666]

He must have been a Brit. My dad told me that the English girls during WWII would only do it standing up. Something about if they laid down they were sluts.

It was for Gravity Birth Control! Raw materials being in short supply including "rubber" during the War.
Lamb skin was popular though, wonder if it was wash and re-wear? NNNAAAAAAHHHHH :flock:

 

[Donkey_McWedges]

Lamb skin huh? Is that with or without the woman. Lol reminds me of that acdc remake song dirty deeds done with sheep.

 

[HughJoergan]

Reminds me of a joke.

The Arabs were the first to use lamb intestines as a form of prophylactic.

The Romans later refined this process by removing the intestines from the lamb........

 

[Seanpcola]

One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

"Wow, David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the Postman commented.

David, in obvious pain, replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'."

The Postman thinks a moment and said, "How do you play 'WHO AM I?' ?"

" Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.."

The postman laughed and said, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it."

"Probably a good thing you did," David responded."Your name came up 7 times."

 

[HughJoergan]

Guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender! The
robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." The robot
brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy
says," 168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space
exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the
bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says,
"Whiskey." Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's
your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about
NASCAR, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will
try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What
will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his
whiskey. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh,
about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . you people . . ..
still happy . . . with Obama?"

 

[gendoc]

I hope yall ain't seen this one... if ya have, then itsa copy eace:

I thought it was very cool !!












A ragged, old, Marine Corps, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar in Boston . Stinking of whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.





"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an A-4 Skyhawk driver and a Colonel in the Marine Corps, but when they retired the "Skyhawk" they cashiered me, as well. So I learned to play the piano on the GI Bill."





The barkeep wasn't too sure about this rather doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, the barkeep decided to give him a try and said, "... OK give me a sample of your playing..."





The Colonel staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. But by the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music, unlike anyone had heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender took the old attack pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.





It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You!" said the Colonel, after he took a long pull from the beer. "... And I wrote it myself...," he said.





The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player then went on with a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished the attack pilot acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light." He then excused himself as he stumbled and lurched to the john.





When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Look Colonel, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"





"Know it?" the old attack pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

 

[Burnt Drag]

A doctor new in town rented an office and was greeted by two city councilmen who told the new doc that they were happy to have a new doctor in town. They asked his line of practice and the doc replied that he had two specialties, he treated the ailments of homosexuals and was a proctologist as well. They thanked him and asked when he'd "Hang out his shingle"... the doc replied that he'd have his sign out the next day. The following day, the councilmen were shocked by the sign and told the doc that "Doctor James Smith, Specializing in Homosexuals and Hemoroids" was way to risque for a town like theirs, and they implored the doc to change the sign. The next afternoon, the doc had changed the sign and it read, "Dr. James Smith, Specializing in Queers and Rears." The councilmen were floored and told the Doctor that that would never work in that small uptight town. The Doctor told them he'd have it changed by the next day. The new sign read, "Dr. James Smith, Specializing in Odds and Ends."

 

[Seanpcola]

The owner of a high end horse breeding ranch gets a phone call one day from an old customer:

"Hey Bill, got a prospective client heading your way. I'd appreciate it if you help him out. Guy wants a top line breeder"

"Sure, how will I recognize him?"

"You can't miss the guy, he's rich, hard to please, and, oh, he's a midget with a bad lisp".

Sure enough an hour later a new Cadillac pulls in and out steps a midget all decked out in the best Western clothing money can buy.

The stable owner walks around with him for hours as he meticulously inspects every single horse on the ranch. After a while the owner starts to get a little irritated with the wasted time, the heat and the picking apart of any tiny little imperfection and criticizing the selection.

Finally the midget zeroes in a particular Mare. They corral her and the midget walks around and around, inspecting everything.

Finally the midget states "Nice horse, can I see her teeth?". So the breeder has to pick the little guy up so he can get a close look at the dental work, which pisses him off a little more.

He sets the guy down.

A minute later shorty says "Can I see her mane?" Stable owner again has to lift him up to get a closer look. Now he's just about had it with this half pint customer. One more request and he thinks he'll snap.

Midget walks to the back and says "Can I see her twat?".

The guy snaps, picks the midget up, shoves him into the horses privates, yanks him back out and throws him across the barn with a "There, you happy now!?"

The midget eventually stands up sputtering and spitting horse fluids out of his mouth. He looks at the breeder and says ........

"Poohaps I should wephwaze. May I see her wun awound a wittle?"

 

[Seanpcola]

Usual contribution from my dad on a Friday night:

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.”

“About 32,” is the reply.

“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.”

The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.”

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”

Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!”

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, “What the heck, go ahead.”

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she asks, “Okay, okay....How old am I?”

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”

The old man says, “Promise you won’t get mad?”

“I promise I won’t.” she says.

“I was behind you at McDonalds...”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said: "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said: "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said: "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend: "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back: "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

 

[Seanpcola]

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table but the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and that it might offend other
diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman "Pardon me, ma'am , but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

 

[Gaijin]

Not inappropriate, but funny as hell:

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

 

[Ken232]

What really started the Revolutinary War

Paul Revere was riding through town hell bent for leather screaming .."The Redcoats are coming!!The Redcoats are coming!!!" and his wife screamed out of the bedroom window..................

YES THEY ARE!!!

 

[joe]

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Ted Hornsby is just such a person. Read his story below ... it will surely bring tears to your eyes.

"I'm often asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most in life is converting beer, wine and good whiskey into urine. When my bladder is full, I go out in the back yard and piss on a photo of Obama. I do this at least once every day and I really enjoy it."

 

[JohnAL]

:thumb:

LOL

 

[DrifterFisher]

A pack of smokes,half a dozen cold ones,bucket full of phlegm...doesn't get any better than this thread! I just,well 3 hours ago, found this thing that made my cheeks hurt from laughing so much. And my old lady thinks I have completely lost my mind.

 

[DrifterFisher]

Another lil Johnny...

Little Johnny Was walking home from school one day,pulling his little red wagon. An older lady was sitting on her porch watching the kids go by,when here comes johnny,pulling his wagon and he hit a bump and one of the wheels fall off. God damn it he swears,the old lady hears this and scolds him. She tells to to say bless jesus when something bad happens
Next day little Johnny is walking home from school and hits the same bump and swears again. The old lady stands up from her rocker this time and really scolds him,telling to to say bless jesus when something bad happens.
The following day little Johnny is walking along and kinda speeds up where the bump is in front of the old ladys house,this time all 4 wheels fall off,he stops and turns around,the old lady is eyeing him hard,and he says bless jesus. Low and hehold the wheels jump back on the wagon...the old lady says god damn.

 

[Bean Counter]

A boy asks his father, "what does a vagina look like?"

The dad answers, "before sex, it looks like the sweetest most beautiful flower you have ever seen."

The boy asks, "what about after sex?"

The dad says, "imagine a bull dog eating mayonnaise"

 

[Bean Counter]

A woman scrutinizes her breasts in front of the mirror and complains to her husband that they are small.
Instead of just saying that it's not true, her husband comes up with an idea. "If you want to have bigger breast, rub a piece of toilet paper between them everyday."
Desperate, she finds a piece of toilet paper and follows her husbands instructions.
After a while, she asks her husband how long it will take.
"It'll grow over the span of a couple years" he responds.
She pauses. "Why would rubbing toilet paper between my breasts make them grow over a couple years?"
"Well it worked for your butt, didn't it?"

His situation has stabilized and with a lot of intense therapy, he may one day be able to walk again.