Inappropriate Joke of the Day

[Seanpcola]

Personally I see nothing funny in Hugh's post # 38. Quite frankly I consider the Eharmony rejection as biased, facist, lacking in diversity and overly critical of the applicant.

Geeezz, women are always harping about honesty. You give it to them and you get judged.:frusty:

 

[Ben Ghazi]

Geeezz, women are always harping about honesty. You give it to them and you get judged.:frusty:

tell me about it !
try being bugged for years wanting to know what you really , really , really would like in bed.
then after years of asking you to be honest and promising to give what you wish for she then gets all pissed off when you say a threesome with her sister !

 

[Seanpcola]

Little Johnny the paper boy, goes up to Miss Smith's house and knocks on the door. She answers and he says that he's there to collect the money for the paper. Ms. Smith states that she doesn't have any money this week and asks if he would settle for sex instead.

Johnny accepts the offer so off inside they go. She pulls down his pants and yells "That's the Hugh Joergan -est cock I've ever seen in my life!".

Just as she says that he pulls a handful of washers out of his pocket and begins sliding them down the shaft of his Johnson.

Ms. Smith, in a throaty voice quips "No need for that, I'm pretty sure I can handle the whole thing".

Johnny replies "Not for $3.50 you ain't".

 

[Seanpcola]

Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.

"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."

"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.

"We know," says the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

 

[Seanpcola]

Woman goes into a tattoo parlor and gets Ringo tattooed up on the inside of one thigh and John Lenin on the inside other. Next day she's drying off in front of the mirror and starts to thinking that neither of the tattoos look like John or Ringo. So, she decides that she's going to go back and demand a refund. She storms into the place, causing a big fuss. The guy tells the lady "No refund! I'm an artist and they look like Ringo and John to me". Not satisfied, she continues to complain. He finally says "Look, if I get you a second opinion from someone on the street and they agree with me, will you be happy then? She agrees to the proposal so he looks out the door of his shop but the street is deserted. Just when he was about to go back in and face the lady a wino comes stumbling out of the alley. The artist calls him over and says "How would you like to make twenty bucks?". The wino says "Sure. What I gotta do?". "All you have to do is look at some musicians and tell me who they remind you of". The woman was in a hurry to get dressed before she left home and forgot to put on panties, so she is sitting there with her legs open when the guy comes back with the wino. The wino thinks to himself this isn't going to be that bad. After taking a good long look, he clears his throat and says "I'm not sure about that fella on the right........ and don't recognize the one on the left, but the one in the middle's gotta be Willie Nelson".

 

[Bean Counter]

Stuttering Cat - as explained by a Grade 4 student

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl.

"My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,' but before she could say 'Fuck!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

 

[Bean Counter]

I was going through a couple of magazines the other day, down at our local Mosque. Everything was going fine, and I was really enjoying myself....... ...... and then the fucking gun jammed!

 

[Bean Counter]

Got good news at the doctors today. I went to the Doctors and I thought I had a fungus or Agent Orange Rash between my legs...you know in my privates. Come to find out the doctor told me to stop eating cheetos and watching porn.. thank god it was nothing serious!

 

[Bean Counter]

Just to spice things up I said to my wife, “We’ll do a bit of role play tonight”

She was well up for it,

So I said, “You dress up like Whitney Houston and I’ll run you a bath..

 

[HughJoergan]

You hear the one about the guy who invented explosive prayer rugs?

He said prophets are through the roof!!!

 

[Seanpcola]

A woman looks out her kitchen window and sees the 4 YO girl next door digging a hole. The child then places a rather large box into it and covers it back up with dirt. She then places rocks in a pattern around it and a cross on top. The woman is moved by the sight, realizing the little girl mus be burying a beloved pet. She walks out to the fence and asks what the young one is doing?

"My parakeet Tweety died and I'm giving it a funeral".

"That's a pretty large box just for a small bird don't you think honey?".

That's because it's inside your fucking cat".

 

[HughJoergan]

 

[Bean Counter]

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE


Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded
***********

Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
A: The dishes, if she knows what's fucking good for her
************ ***
Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
************ ***
Q: What is the definition of making love'?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
************ ****
Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
A: They don't fucking listen.
************ ***
Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhea
************ ****
Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too.
************ *****
Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
************ *****
Q. Why do fags like ribbed condoms?
A. Better traction in the mud.
************ *****
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.
************ *****
Q. What's the difference between acne and Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years old.
************ *****
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.
************ *****
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
************ *****
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
************ *****
Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.
************ *****
Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
************ *****
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
************ *****
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
************ *****
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
************ *****
Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.
************ *****
Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your whole week.
************ *****
Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
A. You push it to the side before you start eating.
************ *****
Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.
************ *****
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
************ ******
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
************ ******
Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...
************ ******
Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
************ ******
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.
************ ******
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it
************ ******
Q: Whats the best thing about dating a homeless girl?
A: You can drop the bitch off anywhere.

 

[Choppersled]

Awesome Bean! That made my day

 

[HughJoergan]

 

[Seanpcola]

Excellent!

 

[Bean Counter]

My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.
”I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”

 

[Bean Counter]

Little Johnny is at it again.... President Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'? So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'. One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy?' 'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove e over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.' The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?' 'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss... And it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either.

 

[Bean Counter]

Little Johnny and Susie were in 6th grade and they were going through a sex ed/anatomy section in class. One day the teacher pulled down a diagram of the female anatomy and pointed at the breasts. Then she asked "any of you girls know what these are called?". Little Susie promptly raised her hand and when called on answered "breasts, and my mom has two of them". The teacher praised her for the correct answer. Then she pulled down a chart of the male anatomy and pointed at the penis and asked "any of you boys know what this is called?". Little Johnny could hardly contain himself and blurted out "yes ma'am, that's a penis... and my dad has two of them!". The teacher scolded him for not waiting until called on to answer, and then said "Johnny, you're partially correct... yes that's a penis, but your father only has ONE of them". Little Johnny immediately said "oh no ma'am... he has TWO of them! He has a little one that he pees with and a big one he brushes mom's teeth with".

 

[Krazy1]

The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man

answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.


"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.


The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news,

and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"


Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body

in Kachemak Bay ."


"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"


The trooper handed Wilkens a large bag and continued, "When we pulled her up, she had

12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we

feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."