Inappropriate Joke of the Day

[S_SHELL]

Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ray.'
>*
> Ray was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
>*
> St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
>*
> Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
>*
> A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
>*
> 'Not bad,' replied Ray the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
>*
> 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Ray.
>*
> 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal. He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.
>*
> As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
>*
> "Ray, wake up! You shit the bed!"
>*
> Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

 

[fl57caveman]

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN





Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa; half discovered, half wild, fertile & naturally beautiful!





Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe; well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.





Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.




Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.





Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.





Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes

twice, takes care of business.





Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.





After 70, she’s like Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.

An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.







THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:





Between 17 and 90, a man is like North Korea,

ruled by a dick .



That’s the end of today's geography lesson.

 

[fl57caveman]

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
Rather predictably, the minister looked upon the cowboy with scorn - he viewed alcohol as being the work of the devil.

Nevertheless, the flight attendant then asked him if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

 

[fl57caveman]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside And asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "

Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb ass decision or that the coach is a shithead, is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.

 

[fl57caveman]

The origin of conservatives and liberals

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.

Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice versa. These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals.
2. Conservatives.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer.. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called 'vegetarians' which was an early human word meaning 'bad hunter') learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men evolved into women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern Liberals like lite beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink real beer They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and to just piss-off more liberals.

 

[fv22]

^^^^ Above post is in wrong thread, this is for jokes, not world history...

 

[fl57caveman]

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.
The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"
"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.

 

[fl57caveman]

A woman had two dogs that she hadn’t had fixed, but always kept them from mating. One night she wakes up at 2 AM to this terrible howling.

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and is unable to separate them.

She called her vet ,who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”

“Do you think that will work?” she asked.

“Just worked for me,” he replied.

 

[bluedog46]

Thoughts during prayers now.


"God you took my favorite guitar player in B.B. King. You took one of my favorite actresses in Mary Tyler Moore, then you took my favorite singer in Tom Petty. God if you are paying attention Doug Jones is my favorite senator.

 

[fl57caveman]

*A monk and a woman*

A woman gets cheated by her husband.

Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She hears that there's a very wise monk, well versed in all the scriptures, who lives high up in a mountain, and decides to go there to consult him.

After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk.
She tells him “I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he has left me for a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".

The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Was the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answers. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please". The monk looks her in the eye and says "Do you see the problem now?"

The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. "I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, everything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed by that".

The monk shakes his head. "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."

(Not all posts with a monk mentioned have a spiritual lesson)

 

[Kanaloa]

I like this one. I heard it in 1992 or 93 from the SGT MAJ of the MC at a Marine Corps Ball. Except he used a Vietnam backdrop. Great joke...Thanks for sharing.

A large group of ISIS fighters in Iraq are moving down a road, when they hear the voice of an American from behind a sand dune, “Hey you bastards! One Marine is better than ten wimpy ISIS fighters!” The ISIS commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over to the sand dune, where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes. After a minute of silence, the voice calls out again, “One Marine is better than one hundred of you ISIS scumbags!” Furious, the ISIS commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and a huge gun fight breaks out. After 10 minutes of battle, there is again silence, until the voice calls out again, “One Marine is better than a thousand ISIS fighters.” The enraged ISIS commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought … then silence. Eventually, one badly wounded ISIS fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men … it’s a trap. There’s not just one marine over there….there’s two.”



[h=2]Valentine's Day[/h]

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of him."

 

[fl57caveman]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, “I’ve never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, “I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, ‘bang, bang’ and the beaver fell dead.
What do you think of that?”

The 90-year-old said, “I’d say somebody else shot that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

 

[rtprthd]

 

[bluedog46]

What does a rooster say? Cock a doodle doo. What does Stormy Daniels say? Any cock will do.

 

[fl57caveman]

OLDER people have problems that you haven't even considered yet !

A 70-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 71-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing' Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing ...'

The doctor was shocked ! You asked your neighbour ?

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

 

[fl57caveman]

The Italian Funeral
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said... "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."

It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked... "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

 

[rtprthd]

A Woman goes into a Pet Shop and sees a sign saying ** Parrots 4 sale - $100, $200 and $15** She goes over to the counter and asks, why is that parrot so cheap?
The shopkeeper replies, 'cause it used to live in a brothel. The woman thinks its funny and buys it. When she gets home the parrot says , fuck me a new brothel. The woman laughs. Her 2 daughters comes home, parrot says, fuck me new prossies. The girls laugh. The husband comes home and the parrot says, fuck me Keith I haven't seen you for weeks!

 

[rtprthd]

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One
day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on
the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally
took an interest in all the activity going on next door and
spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the
construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more - or -
less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted
with
her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make
her feel important.
AT THE END OF THE FIRST WEEK, THEY EVEN PRESENTED HER WITH A
PAY ENVELOPE CONTAINING $10. THE LITTLE GIRL TOOK THIS HOME TO
HER MOTHER WHO SUGGESTED THAT SHE TAKE HER $10 "PAY" SHE'D
RECEIVED TO THE BANK THE NEXT DAY TO START A SAVINGS ACCOUNT.

WHEN THE GIRL AND HER MOM GOT TO THE BANK, THE TELLER WAS
EQUALLY IMPRESSED AND ASKED THE LITTLE GIRL HOW SHE HAD COME BY
HER VERY OWN PAY CHEQUE AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE.

THE LITTLE GIRL PROUDLY REPLIED, "I WORKED LAST WEEK WITH A
REAL CONSTRUCTION CREW BUILDING THE NEW HOUSE NEXT DOOR TO
US."

"OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS," SAID THE TELLER, "AND WILL YOU BE
WORKING ON THE HOUSE AGAIN THIS WEEK, TOO?"

THE LITTLE GIRL REPLIED, "I WILL, IF THOSE ASSHOLES AT HOME
DEPOT EVER DELIVER THE PHUCKIN' DRYWALL..."

 

[SAWMAN]

Speakin' of Ho-Mo-Dee-Po . . . "And there I was,and this is no shit".
At the 9 Mile Rd. store. At 9:45AM. The garden department was closed because of . . . "lack of buisness early".
I talked to the mgr and he said that it "was a corporate decission". And therein lies the joke. --- SAWMAN

 

[rtprthd]