Inappropriate Joke of the Day

[fl57caveman]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, “Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?”

The parrot says, “I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.”

“Holy crap,” the guy replies. “You actually understood and answered me!”

“I got every word,” says the parrot.” I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.”

“Oh yeah?”, the guy asks, “Then answer this — how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”

“Well,” the parrot says, “this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.”

“Wow” says the guy, “you really can understand and speak English, can’t you!?”

“Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I’d be a great companion.”

The guy looks at the $200 price tag.” Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.”

“Pssssssst” says the parrot, “I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!”

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful.

The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes “Psssssssssssst” and motions him over with one wing. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.”

“What are you talking about?” asks the guy.

“When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately.”

“WHAT???” the guy asks incredulously. “THEN what happened?”

“Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over” reported the parrot.

“My God!” he exclaims. “Then what?”

“Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down…”

“WELL???” demands the frantic guy, “THEN WHAT HAPPENED?”

“Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.”

 

[fl57caveman]

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked, and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

“What happened?” she asks.

“I’ve never been with a woman” he says, “but if it’s anything like screwing a kangaroo… I’m gonna need all the room I can get!”

 

[fl57caveman]

My wife is a sex object. ..........

I ask for sex, she objects! ..........

......

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?”

She screamed, “No! Bug off you filthy old pervert!”

He shrugged and turned away saying, “Okay, I’ll just go and wait at the bottom.”

She didn’t jump.

 

[bluedog46]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkAtF1yBXMU&list=FLxtoto6yG6K7B6g3s2g4P-w&index=4&t=3s

Did not notice this here. Its wrong, but funny and true

 

[bluedog46]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkAtF1yBXMU&list=FLxtoto6yG6K7B6g3s2g4P-w&index=4&t=3s

Wrong, but true and funny

 

[S_SHELL]

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.” Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

 

[fl57caveman]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to The ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please"

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.


The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man Says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.

"The usual?" Asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and Places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered Me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money Would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a liter of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."






WELL HELLO !!!!!!

 

[fl57caveman]

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their nooner – it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn’t getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

“Homer,” said the doctor, “just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you’re in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene’s signal to come out to you. Then you won’t lose any field time.”

They tried Doc’s advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came back to the doctor’s office…

“What’s wrong?” asked the Doc. “Didn’t my idea work?”

“Oh, it worked real good,” said Homer. “Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene’d come runnin’. We’d find a secluded place, make love, and then she’d go back home again.”

“Good, Homer. So what’s the problem?” asked the Doc.

“I ain’t seen her since huntin’ season started.”

 

[JohnAL]

:lol:

 

[fl57caveman]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, ‘What happened to YOU?’

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow’s behind.

Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!'
I don’t remember much after that."

 

[fl57caveman]

A large group of ISIS fighters in Iraq are moving down a road, when they hear the voice of an American from behind a sand dune, “Hey you bastards! One Marine is better than ten wimpy ISIS fighters!” The ISIS commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over to the sand dune, where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes. After a minute of silence, the voice calls out again, “One Marine is better than one hundred of you ISIS scumbags!” Furious, the ISIS commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and a huge gun fight breaks out. After 10 minutes of battle, there is again silence, until the voice calls out again, “One Marine is better than a thousand ISIS fighters.” The enraged ISIS commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought … then silence. Eventually, one badly wounded ISIS fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men … it’s a trap. There’s not just one marine over there….there’s two.”



[h=2]Valentine's Day[/h]

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of him."

 

[fl57caveman]

Ambidextrous lady golfer......
A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One man transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

At the same time, a woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team and was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"

No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under-par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week, she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even-par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."

"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed. If it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"


She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

 

[fl57caveman]

An old couple are vacationing in Israel.

The wife dies quietly in her sleep, the next day the man goes to the grave-digger to make the necessary arrangements.

The grave-digger says “I can bury her here for $500 or have her shipped back home with you for $1000.”

The man briefly considers his options and opts for her to be shipped home.

The grave-digger is stunned “Why pay so much to have her sent back when she could be buried in the Holy Land?”

The man gets very close and whispers “A long time ago a man was buried here and three days later he came back, I can’t take that chance with her.”

 

[fl57caveman]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOnVHWMKAJA

 

[fl57caveman]

A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies: "yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army," he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says: "That will give you five extra points toward employment."
Then he asks: "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says: "Yes, a mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says: "OK, you've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8am to 4pm but you can start tomorrow at 10am, and carry on starting at 10am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks: "If the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me here until 10am? I'm not looking for any special treatment."
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you coming in for that.

 

[JohnAL]

 

[rtprthd]

A guy is feeling depressed so he goes to a bar for a beer. He starts talking to the bartender about his woes. The bartender says, "Here's what you do. Live each day like it's the last day of your life."

The guy thanks the bartender and leaves smiling. He's back the next day looking more unhappy than the day before."What's wrong?" the bartender says. "Did you take my advice?"

"I sure did," the guys says. "When I got to work this morning I banged my secretary, embezzled half a million dollars, punched my boss in the nose and took a shit on his desk."

 

[fl57caveman]

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
– Two Italian men and one Italian woman
– Two French men and one French woman
– Two German men and one German woman
– Two Greek men and one Greek woman
– Two English men and one English woman
– Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
– Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
– Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
– Two Irish men and one Irish woman
– Two American men and one American woman

–

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a “ménage à trois.”

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they’re satisfied because the English aren’t having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut the fuck up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn’t they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this godforsaken deserted island in the middle of friggin’ nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping…

 

[wildrider666]

Et il vécurent heureux pour l'éternité.

 

[fl57caveman]

While golfing, a senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon.

A very attractive, young, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?"
"I’m OK, thanks," he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later."
The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
"That’s mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don’t think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now!" she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak.
"Well, OK," he finally agreed.
After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now."
"Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. Your wife won’t know anything By the way, where is she?"


He replied, "Still under the cart, I suppose."