"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't dare fucking touch me. Do you understand me? Don't ever talk to me either."
"Fucking great." I thought. "First day in here and I'm already married."
A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The Thief says: “Give me your money.” The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: “But, wait! You can’t do that, I am a Congressman!” The thief replies: “Oh, sorry. Give me MY money.”
A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read “Hey im sorry i had to tell you like this but i have been doing your wife for months now” The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying “Sorry meant using your wifi”
Red bedwetter walked into a working mans bar , climbed up on a stool and said in his toughest voice, I can whip any sonofabitch in here. A big burly guy stood up and knocked him out with one punch, grabbed him by the neck and threw him out the front door . About an hour later he staggered back in and said I wouldn’t have said that if I had of know there were any sonofabitches in here.
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: “Shut up … you’re next!”
A redhead, brunette and a blonde walk into a bar. They all go up to the bartender to order drinks. The redhead tells the bartender she wants a CL. The bartender asks, what is a CL? The redhead says Duh, a coors light. The brunette asks the bartender for a BL. The bartender asks, what is a BL? The brunette says Duh, a bud light. The blonde asks the bartender for a 15. The bartender asks, what is a 15? The blonde says Duh a 7 and 7.
1. Why did the walrus attend a Tupperware party? He was looking for a tight seal.
2. How to catch a Polar Bear: Cut a hole in the ice and line the edge with peas, when the polar bear comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
The 1000 year old white hair little old lady in front of me in line at the bank ATM turned to me and asked me to check her balance. So I put my hand on her shoulder and pushed her over.
There I was banging this gorgeous little blonde from next door, while her husband was at work. All of a sudden we hear a key in the front door and then it opens. My little blonde friend says, "Oh my God, it's my husband. Quick try the back door. I know I should have left right then but, you just don't get an offer like that every day.
Old guy goes to the barber. While there the barber asks if he'd like him to shave him while he's at it. The old guy says he's been having a problem getting a really close shave lately. The barber hands him a jar that's sitting on the shelf. In it are a number of hard plastic balls. The barber says, just tuck one of those in your cheek and push outward on it and, I'll bet I can give you a super close shave. So the old guy follows the barber's instructions and by golly, he ends up with the closest shave he's ever had.
Now he asks the barber, "You ever had someone accidentally swallow one of them there balls?" The barber admits, it does happen from time to time. Then the old timer asks, when that happens, what does your customer do? The barber says, "They all do pretty much the same thing. They bring the ball back in a couple of days and put it right back in that jar."
Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream.
One yells to the other, 'How do you get to the other side?'
The other blonde replies, 'You are on the other side!'
The mailman has his last day at work. He arrives at the house of a beautiful blonde with a great body nice tits and great ass. She greats him at the door in Lingerie and begins passionately kissing him. She then takes him upstairs to the bedroom. She make has mild passionate sex with him, doggie then draining him dry with oral sex. She then takes him downstairs and makes him a great breakfast. He picks up his coffee cup and finds a $1 bill and says "Man what a day. Much luck is better and better". He then asks the woman "Man I am having a great day. What brought this all on". The lady says "Well it was my husbands idea". She said "your husband wanted you to do all this"? She said "I told my husband you were retiring and said I thought we should do something for you". The mailman then said "And he said to do all this?"....When I said what do you want me to do he said "F*ck him. Give him a dollar", "but the breakfast was my idea.